Does misery really love company? Well I can’t totally verify that but I can say that there is at least some truth to that statement.
Before I get into it let me talk to you for a minute because I want to cover a few things before I get into how this relates to physical intimacy in marriage.
I’ve witnessed so many marriages end prematurely. The discomfort of feeling like you are in it alone, coupled with what is seemingly a devastating event in marriage can easily take out even the strongest person.
When you are going through in marriage, it’s hard to see other couples around you who appear to be doing well. Often times you can feel like something must be wrong with you and/or your spouse. While you aren’t totally off in that thought, know that your struggles are not unique. The only thing that is unique is your experience.
Oh yeah! Those couples that appear to be doing so wonderful may or may not have it all together either.
50% of them have either had an issue in the past and worked it out or are currently on the cusp of having a new marital issue to deal with.
Trust me my wife and I have MASTERED the art of arguing like crazy in the car and performing as the perfect couple as soon as we got out of the car or get into the room with YOU.
As a caviot I’ll say that we weren’t doing that to fake anybody out, but rather we understood that many couples in our lives depended on us to be “perfect” in exchange for them having hope to stay together.
As time went on we realized that the bar that we were seemingly setting was actually hurting some couples because they thought their imperfections were abnormal.
I have also discovered in talking to men who I have permitted to keep me accountable and vice versa that there is comfort in knowing you are not the only one who has and is going through a particular issue.
I know this may sound crazy but knowing that your pain and situation isn’t unique can offer a temporary peace.
Nobody has all the answers and sometimes it’s good to hear somebody who you respect and honor tell you “Bro you were wrong you need to fix it by doing x, y and z” – or – “Bro I have been through that stay strong and let’s get in faith to get you through this situation.”
My wife and I have had many people come to us and say “Man we have prayed and prayed that we have a marriage like you guys.” In my head I am thinking that is why your marriage is jacked up! LOL! But in all seriousness people were praying for something that they really couldn’t handle and didn’t even know it.
They should have actually been praying for our commitment to our covenant in respect to the fact that I have zero deal breakers for my wife and that I extend her the same GRACE that God continuously extends to me.
The way I see it I have invested so much time, tears and energy into this marriage that I deserve her best years.
WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH SEX?
Well I am glad you asked!
Whether you know it or not…..
Many couples who have been married for any length of time experience moments when one or both people are sexually unfulfilled.
I know this comes as a shocker but it’s TRUE! Many people are walking around like everything is good all the time and many are actually suffering.
That’s right they look good, smell good, their bills are paid, business is doing well, even their kids are acting like they have sense; going to church together as a family, hugging and holding hands but at the end of the day their sex life or the lack there of totally SUCKS!!!!!
We conducted a survey back in January and it revealed that only 7% of the those polled had sex once a week, 50% said they have sex a few times per week 0% answered almost every day, 21% of the married couples said that they were having sex once a month and the same percentage was answered for having sex a few times per month.
So what did you get from those numbers?
Here’s what I got:
- Married couples aren’t having sex every single day of the year!
At the same time… how many of us really want that?
See your friend that told you that they are getting it on every night was either lying or their wife didn’t take the survey. You see they are not the 365 bandit that they proclaim to be. LOL @ the 365 bandit… Where do I come up with this stuff from?
- Apparently 1 in 2 couples are actually lucky enough to get lucky a few times per week. That’s good stuff!!! However, there is still room for improvement. This group may be connecting more frequently but they could always improve on the quality, variety and for some the quantity. “Don’t stop till you get enough!”
- 7% of the folks are connecting at least one time a week and with a few adjustments, perhaps in scheduling or defeating their initiation anxiety; they will slide right into the group who is connecting physically a few times per week. High Five and get to work!
- The other half of the bunch is either really busy, failing to prioritize sex, suffering from what is referred to as intimacy anorexia or not interested in connecting physically (hopefully this isn’t the case for you).
So where do you fit at? Either way this goes to show you that you are not alone.
There is hope!
If you fit into that third category not only is there hope but at least everything is up from here! You should address this as increase as things begin to change for the better.
Husband and wives, sit down and identify the areas that are affecting your sex life. Believe it or not most married couples don’t discuss their sexual frustrations until they are arguing or having “intense fellowship”. Unfortunately, this often times leads to couples not talking about it at all because they have associated all sexual discussions with arguing and tension.
It is important that each spouse create rules so that you guys are fair with each other and listening without the intent to respond or get your point across. You must listen to hear. If your point is valid and important, trust me, you won’t forget it after you have sought to understand and confirm that understanding with your spouse. Don’t place blame on one another and remember that you are on the same team. So… agree to talk about your physical intimacy issues in a healthy manner and finish off the conversation with a commitment to change and put action items in place so that the change actually occurs.
My final thought
It is not as important to keep score when it comes to the number of days a week that you are having sex as much as it is important that you both are sexually fulfilled and honest about it with each other. Misery may not love company but those experiencing it sure appreciate knowing that they are not alone.
Remember to have GREAT, FUN and ADVENTUROUS SEX early and often!
God made sex for marriage so why not enjoy it.
Okay I’m done.
In the next article we will talk about initiating sex during the different phases in marriage. Everybody is more comfortable initiating sex when all is well but what about when you are going through?
Remember great, fun and adventurous sex was designed for The Marriage Bed!
-Adam
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